amberdawn

candy + period = uh oh

Andre gets super excited about handing out Halloween candy to kids. I find this absolutely adorable and encourage it, which leads to us getting loads of candy for Halloween every year, always more then we can possibly hand out in one night. This equals lots of leftovers.

Today, the day after Halloween, when the house is full of leftover chocolates, my body decided that I needed to start my period. This frightens me somewhat as my sweet tooth is bad enough that i can actually easily consume half a box of those crazy sweet grocery store sugar cookies with something like a pound of frosting on the top in a bit under 5 minutes. Being able to accomplish this wondrous feat was not a problem for me until somewhere around 23 when I started to notice that laying in bed and reading while eating a package of cookie dough and drinking a beer actually made my body grow in ways I didn’t it to grow*. Since then I’ve been controlling my sweet tooth by not having candy in my house. We have candy in the house. I am so screwed.

*Proof that there is no god - I am not able to direct my extra body fat into areas where I actually want more of it. Instead it all goes to the parts where I don’t NEED any more.

Another reason to love this city

This morning I saw a pretty heavy guy jogging wearing tiger print black and white pants, a shirt that said something really INSANELY funny that made me want to write about him that I can’t even remember now, which I’m hoping I’ll remember and be able to update this with later, and a rasta colored sweatband around his insanely curly frizzy hair that he had teased out into a fizzy as hell fro.

I don’t care what anybody says - that shit just doesn’t happen in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles he would have at the very least had the American Apparel Velour Track Suit® with a coordinated headband.

Another reason I am going to hell

Today in Whole Foods I noticed a woman at the checkout wearing a really cute outfit before I noticed that she had a cane. I looked down and then noticed that she only had one leg, but FIRST I noticed how great her boots were. This made me spend the next ten minutes not wondering about what had happened to the poor girl, or thinking about how easily and well she handled herself despite her handicap. Oh no. I spent the next ten minutes wondering what the hell she does with all the extra shoes. Does she still keep them lined up in a pair but just take one of the shoes out everyday? That seems depressing. Does she keep the extra left shoes and stack them all up in the corner of her closet? Still depressing. Does she just throw them away? If she just threw them out did she feel ripped off every time she bought shoes because she was paying for two shoes when she would only use one?

My boyfriend, forever the optimist, said “Maybe she knows someone who only has a left leg and they trade!”

DO NOT:

1. Pick out someone in a crowded muni stop and stand in front of them while a crowd clears away, revealing you standing there, lined up directly in front of them, staring at them in complete and utter devotion. While this may seem to you like something straight out of a romantic movie or novel, or an amusing story that you could tell your grandchildren some day, I assure you - IT REALLY IS NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS. It is slightly amusing, maybe - but overall just sort of odd.
2. Continue staring even after they noticeably jump and seem slightly disturbed.
3. When they turn around to look at a map at a wall with the sole purpose of avoiding your gaze more completely, do not, i repeat, DO NOT purposely move in front of their new line of vision AND CONTINUE STARING. Now you are being a scary stalker and said person will just be incredibly releaved when their train comes and you don’t get on it, and hope to god that they never, EVER see you again.
   

On thursday we finally finally get the keys to our new place. This means that on Monday we finally get to sleep in our new place. This means that after thursday night i will no longer hear people walking by hacking out their lungs like they’re about to DIE, screaming at the top of their lungs, or have my doorstep pissed on, or have to deal with the fucking mist that rolls into this part of town every night around 6. Also I will no longer have to smell gas from an old stove or take my showers in a claw foot tub which SUCKS beyond belief. I can’t believe I ever thought I wanted one. at this point i can’t believe i ever wanted a lot of things, and I’m so so glad that our apartment is a well lit, large, south facing place with new appliances and new bathrooms.

this also means that on monday we will both be able to shower at the same time (in seperate showers!), cook on our own stove, play video games, and sleep in our own bed. i can’t believe how incredibly excited i am about it. as much as i like to believe that i am completely capable of just running off with a suitcase to some forgein land for MONTHS without a care about anything, i seem to not even be able to go four hundred miles for a few weeks without missing having a home.

I’ve been in San Francisco for over a week now, and have learned a few things about myself and this beautiful part of the city (upper haight)…

1. Most coffee shops seem to have brown sugar sitting out on their little mixing counters. This is possibly the most brilliant thing I have ever seen in my life and has completely solved my horrid dilema over being sick of drinking super sweet sugared up coffe, but being replused by lattes without sugar in them.

2. I now know that Los Angeles coffee shops SUCK.

3. People that live around haight are very very musical people. Favorite pastimes seem to include walking the sidewalks singing loudly and screaming insults at people or wearing headphones that are turned up so loud that you can’t hear yourself even though you are singing horribly off-key and at the top of your lungs. How do these people not lose their voices? Oh that’s right, there is no god.

4. I could so totally wear pajamas and slippers down to get coffee in the morning and not too many people would even notice. even less would care.

5. When you go to the same coffee shop everyday people start to remember you. This is both good and bad - good because it means that I instantly get exactly what i want, bad because if i decide to wear fuzzy blue paw print slippers and cat print pajamas down there one day they’ll NEVER forget it, even though everybody on the street will.

6. Deoderant? Why? I’m never going to sweat again. die from frostbite, maybe, but sweat? ha!

7. All the nice neighborhoods seem to be atop very steep hills. I think that this is solely because it’s too damn difficult to stumble uphill while intoxicated.

8. People up here seem to at least be on more interesting drugs then they were down south, a couple of days ago I was walking around and witnessed a man singing to himself “looking around and what do i seeeee” “the sidewalk opening just for meeee” at which point he stopped, started down at a crack on the sidewalk just completely transfixed and stuttered out “wa-wa-wa-oooaaaah”.

9. I have had enough of you people who walk around screaming shit like “YO, BITCH! YOU NEED TO STEP DOWN!! STEP DOWN!!!” to absolutely NO.ONE. NO ONE IS THERE. PLEASE STOP. I AM UP HERE IN AN APARTMENT BUT THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM GOING DOWN THERE WHILE YOU ARE SCREAMING LIKE THAT.

10. #9 is why I want to live on top of a hill.

11. The comments made here are the other reasons why I want to live on top of a hill that I have not mentioned previously in any way, shape or form, to the best of my knowledge.

12. Wanting to live on top of the hill when you you’re subletting at the bottom of the hill means a whole hell of a lot of exercise. I am going to have the most awesome ass ever by the time we find a place.

13. pugs really are the spawn of satan.

14. I really like grocery shopping in small neighborhood markets. Especially when those neighborhood markets all carry organic produce like peaches that burst open and spray juice all over the floor when I bite into them.

15. The first day I was here the guy on the left sat on the corner for the better half of two days painting a picture of an orange bug parked next to the curb. I would guess that at least 20 people stopped to talk to him during that amount of time.

16. You know how everybody says it’s foggy here all the time? They’re really not lying. If your thinking of moving up here and come up to visit and the weather is constantly nice, BEWARE THAT IT IS ALL A RUSE, DESIGNED TO SUCK YOU IN! IT WILL NEVER BE SUNNY AGAIN!!

It’s funny how there are so many things that I do everyday, successfully, that I somehow can’t manage to do when I’m preoccupied thinking about other things.

Today I have:

• gotten off of the elevator at the wrong floor going to the dentists office
• gotten off of the elevator at the wrong floor leaving the dentists office
• sat at the carl’s jr. drive through after i got my food and paid, until the clerk waved at me and said “hello?? you’re done!”
• cced the entire company on a personal email where i talked about my boyfriend… who also works at the company

i’m making the boy drive home.